Broccoli shmoccoli

In light of the much expressed hatred of recipes on this blog and my own short attention span, this post with be both a major departure from the normal recipes we publish and delightfully brief. There is a very good Simpsons episode about the dangers of ingesting the deadly and poisonous broccoli wherein Homer dies from eating a floret. You would think that would deter me but think again! I absolutely love this green menace and decided to put a twist on the typical cream of broccoli soup your mom and possibly your drunk uncle used to make. Though many of you would rather snack on rat rectum than this dreaded cabbage cousin I promise you will not be disappointed when you dig in! Without further ado, here is my recipe for the best God damn broccoli soup you'll ever shovel down your gullet (must work on that title).

Ingredients:

Two broccoli heads, hacked to death
A whack of butter
One quarter cup 35% cream
One quarter cup half-and-half
A good spoonful of garlic
One and a half yellow onions
Two chicken bouillon cubes
Three cups boiling water
Three cups Monterrey Jack cheese
One teaspoon nutmeg
Salt and Pepper to taste

The Method To My Madness:

I usually start by dicing the onion and heating up the butter in a large heavy bottom pot on medium high heat until it starts to brown a bit. I then throw the onions in and let them soak up all that buttery goodness while I move on to the next step which is cutting the broccoli into medium size pieces or until it breathes no more. I use garlic in a jar because I am a heathen but if you are one of those "culinary arts" perfectionists then by all means, chop your garlic up now!

While your onions are simmering boil three cups of water in a kettle and add that to your bouillon cubes preferably in a container that pours well and dissolve the cubes. Next, check your onions and if they are translucent then you are ready to rock and if not, quit now...or wait a little longer until yours are nice and see through, it's up to you.

If you chose to continue then we can move on to the next step which is adding your chicken stock to the onions but for the love of God, do this carefully or you will end up with a huge mess, like me of course. Let that come to a simmer again then add the hopefully fully deceased broccoli into the pot and cook it on medium with the lid on stirring occasionally for eight to twelve minutes.

Once your broccoli is fork tender, turn the heat off and let it cool for half a titch. Once your half done soup is cool enough to handle but still hot enough to cause you pain if you get any on yourself transfer it to a blender or food processor (warning: if you choose the processor method DO NOT fill that puppy too much or you will end up with a puddle of hot broccoli smelling liquid on your counter. Blend that crap in batches, bitches!) and blend until smooth.

Once you've reached a consistency you like transfer the broccoli soup of death back into the same pot and add the creams, nutmeg, salt and pepper and give it a good stir or a stern talking to, either way make sure that mixture is well combined. Next, turn the heat back on to medium and once the green goop is warm start adding your cheese in small handfuls at a time stirring in between until all the cheese is well incorporated and dissolved. Serve in big bowls with crusty bread and bask in the many compliments that you receive from your soup admiring guests.

Now, a confession: that episode of the Simpsons I mentioned? It actually wasn't that good but you know what is good? This soup! Try it, or I'll come to your home and relentlessly quote the Simpsons at you until you pass out from boredom.

Stamp Geek, out!